UNHAPPY MARRIAGE : One thing we know for sure: being in an unhappy marriage is not biblical grounds for divorce. In Mark 10:11–12 Jesus said, “A man who divorces his wife so he can marry someone else commits adultery against her. And a woman who divorces her husband so she can marry someone else commits adultery.” Based on the Bible, we see that people don’t have the right to dissolve an unhappy marriage. God intended that marriage be for a lifetime.
Ephesians 5 presents marriage as a picture of the relationship God has with us. This is one reason why God has such an interest in keeping marriages intact. Failed marriages and broken homes are devastating to the husband and wife, not to mention the children involved. Financial ruin is only one of the unhappy results of divorce. The family unit is the basic building block of any society, and rampant divorce has a tragic impact on all of the culture.
This is not to say that God wants to force us to remain forever in an unhappy marriage. He doesn’t ask us to just grit our teeth and suffer through it. When God approaches marital problems, He does so from the perspective of how to fix them, not how to dissolve the marriage. For example, Paul writes of demonic impact in marriages (1 Corinthians 7:5). He states that the couple should be active in the sexual relationship so that Satan cannot tempt them. Peter encourages husbands to treat their wives with understanding so that their prayers will not be hindered (1 Peter 3:7). From these passages we can see that marriage is a spiritual battlefield. It takes work to fight for the relationship, not to fight in the relationship.
God encourages us toward reconciliation. Matthew 18:15–16 demands open, honest communication that deals with hurts and frustrations caused by sin. It even encourages us to get help to resolve problems. God also calls us to find our joy or happiness in Him (Philippians 4:4). The joy of the Lord is something you can have regardless of conditions. In all of God’s guidelines for experiencing joy, none of them require a spouse to cooperate. A spouse does not control our capacity to have joy or peace. James 1:3–4 tells us that deep, abiding joy comes as we persevere through trials, with God’s help, and as our faith matures and strengthens.
The book of Philippians is a great study in the difference between joy and happiness. Written by the apostle Paul while imprisoned in Rome, this book uses the words joy, rejoice, and joyful 16 times and teaches us how to have true contentment in Jesus Christ, despite our circumstances. In chains, Paul talks about his faith and trust in Christ and how it had changed his whole perspective on suffering.
God has given husbands clear-cut instructions in Ephesians 5:25–28: “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it. . . . So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loves his wife loves himself.” To wives, God’s instruction is to submit to their husbands’ leadership (verse 22) and to respect their husbands (verse 33). In a Christ-like spirit, both are to submit to one another (Ephesians 5:21). If both spouses are living up to their biblical responsibilities, there will be joy and happiness in the marriage. What woman wouldn’t respect and submit to a man who loves her the way Christ loves His church? And what man wouldn’t love a woman who respects and submits to him? The unhappiness that is present in too many marriages is often a result of one or both parties refusing to submit to God and obey His revealed will for marriage. Sometimes the unhappiness is exacerbated by unresolved issues of one party that have leaked into the marriage. In those cases, individual counseling may be helpful in addition to marriage counseling.
Even if an unhappy marriage results from a believer being married to an unbeliever, there is always the possibility the believing spouse can lead the unbelieving spouse to the Lord by his or her chaste conduct and kind demeanor. “Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives when they see the purity and reverence of your lives” (1 Peter 3:1). The Bible specifically addresses those who are married to unbelievers in 1 Corinthians 7:12–14: “… If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband.”
In the end, we must remember that “the eyes of the Lord are over the righteous, and His ears are open to their prayers; but the face of the Lord is against them that do evil” (1 Peter 3:12). God knows the pain of an unhappy marriage, and He understands fleshly desires, but He has given His Word to us on this matter and He does ask for obedience. Obedience to God always brings joy (Romans 16:19).
BIBLICAL GROUNDS FOR A DIVORCE : When discussing what the Bible says about divorce, it is important to keep in mind the words of Malachi 2:16, “I hate divorce, says the Lord God.” Whatever grounds the Bible possibly gives for divorce, that does not mean God desires a divorce to occur in those instances. Rather than asking “is ______ a grounds for divorce,” often the question should be “is _______ grounds for forgiveness, restoration, and/or counseling?”
BIBLICAL GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE: The Bible gives two clear grounds for divorce: (1) sexual immorality (Matthew 5:32; 19:9) and (2) abandonment by an unbeliever (1 Corinthians 7:15). Even in these two instances, though, divorce is not required or even encouraged. The most that can be said is that sexual immorality and abandonment are grounds (an allowance) for divorce. Confession, forgiveness, reconciliation, and restoration are always the first steps. Divorce should only be viewed as a last resort.
Are there any grounds for divorce beyond what the Bible explicitly says? Perhaps, but we do not presume upon the Word of God. It is very dangerous to go beyond what the Bible says (1 Corinthians 4:6). The most frequent additional grounds for divorce that people inquire about are spousal abuse (emotional or physical), child abuse, addiction to pornography, drug / alcohol use, crime / imprisonment, and mismanagement of finances (such as through a gambling addiction). None of these can be claimed to be explicit biblical grounds for a divorce.
That does not necessarily mean, though, that none of them are grounds for divorce which God would approve of. For example, we cannot imagine that it would be God’s desire for a wife to remain with a husband who physically abuses her and/or their children. In such an instance, the wife should definitely separate herself and the children from the abusive husband. However, even in such a situation, a time of separation with the goal of repentance and restoration should be the ideal, not necessarily immediately beginning divorce proceedings. Please understand, by saying that the above are not biblical grounds for divorce, we are definitely not saying that a man/woman whose spouse is engaging in such activities should remain in the situation. If there is any risk to self or children, separation is a good and appropriate step.
Another way to look at this issue is to differentiate between biblical grounds for divorce and biblical grounds for divorce and remarriage. Some interpret the two biblical grounds for divorce mentioned above as the only grounds for remarriage after a divorce, but allow for divorce with no remarriage in other instances. While this is a plausible interpretation, it seems to come too close to presuming upon the Word of God. For more information, please read the following two articles:
In summary, what are the biblical grounds for divorce? The answer is sexual immorality and abandonment. Are there additional grounds for divorce beyond these two? Possibly. Is divorce ever to be treated lightly or employed as the first recourse? Absolutely not. God is capable of changing and reforming any person. God is capable of healing and renewing any marriage. Divorce should only occur in instances of repeated and unrepentant heinous sin.
TO TREAT A WOMAN : Proverbs offers men much wisdom related to avoiding the trap of sexually immoral relationships with women. However, Solomon’s greatest personal weakest was with women. He is recorded as having 700 wives and 300 concubines (1 Kings 11:3). Unfortunately, “as Solomon grew old, his wives turned his heart after other gods” (1 Kings 11:4). Solomon knew what was right. Why didn’t he follow his own advice concerning women?
Many explanations have been offered, though the Bible does not specifically give the answer. It should be mentioned that Solomon’s father, David, also struggled in this area, though not to the extent that Solomon did. David took many wives and concubines (2 Samuel 5:13), but, even then, he lusted after Bathsheba and committed adultery with her. Like father, like son, they say, and Solomon it seems inherited his father’s sin and amplified it in his own life.
One reason often noted for Solomon failing to follow his own advice is that Solomon learned his lessons from experience. If the Proverbs were compiled in the later part of Solomon’s life, it would make sense that he recorded wise sayings to help others avoid problems he dealt with in his own life. If so, the proverbs of Solomon are deeply personal, since they were born out of the author’s personal struggles with foolishness.
Another possible reason Solomon did not follow his own advice regarding women is that there’s a difference between having knowledge and applying knowledge. Solomon knew it was wrong to obtain many wives—in fact, it was against the Mosaic Law (Deuteronomy 17:17)—but he did it regardless of his knowledge. Solomon likely later regretted his choices, as can be seen in the way he speaks of avoiding sexual immorality in Proverbs.
A third possible answer to this issue is that not all of the book of Proverbs was written by Solomon. The book indicates that some of the proverbs were written by other wise men (Proverbs 22:17—24:34), Agur son of Jakeh (Proverbs 30:1–33) and King Lemuel (Proverbs 31).
A fourth possible reason that Solomon did not follow his own advice concerning women can be found in the second part of 1 Kings 11:4: “His heart was not fully devoted to the Lord his God, as the heart of David his father had been.” The historian notes that it was when Solomon was older that he strayed from God’s ways. God then gave a judgment concerning Solomon and his kingdom (1 Kings 11:9–13). Since Solomon had experienced judgment in his own life in this area, he determined to help others to avoid similar judgment in their lives.
In the end, we have some possible reasons why Solomon may have neglected his own advice, but we are not told for certain in Scripture. Solomon was extremely wise, but he was a man with temptations like any other person. He obeyed God in many areas, yet he often failed in his relationships with women. Instead of questioning the reasons why Solomon failed to follow his own advice, we would do better to learn from his mistakes and his wisdom recorded in Proverbs to avoid these problems in our own lives.
FAILED RELATIONSHIPS : One of the unfortunate byproducts of living in a sinful, fallen world is that every person, Christian or not, experiences pain and suffering and disappointment in this life. From failed relationships to unfulfilled dreams, life can be filled with sorrow and disappointment. In fact, Jesus assured us of it: “In this world you will have trouble” (John 16:33). No one is immune.
In overcoming disappointments, it is important to keep them in perspective. Even though we cannot eliminate suffering or disappointment this side of heaven, it can become less formidable when viewed from a different vantage point. The first thing to keep in mind is this: no amount of suffering or disappointment we experience in this life can ever undo what God has done for us in Christ. Apart from Scripture, it is very difficult to have a proper perspective on suffering and disappointment, and these things will rarely make sense to those unacquainted with God’s Word. Neither psychology nor philosophy can offer a sufficient explanation for it. No social science can work restoration on the soul; only God can do this (Psalm 23:3). The truth is, our trials and disappointments, though we may not like them, do serve a purpose. It is through trials that we learn patience and humility, endurance and trust—virtues that strengthen us and develop godly character.
Also, it is during the difficult times that we learn to rely on God and experience firsthand the absolute trustworthiness of His Word. We also learn the truth of what Paul taught: God’s power is at its strongest when we are at our weakest (2 Corinthians 12:9). As A. W. Tozer observed, “If the truth were known, the saints of God in every age were only effective after they had been wounded.”
It is important that our perspective includes eternity. Our time on earth is an incalculably small fraction of our eternal journey. Consider the apostle Paul and the persecution he was subjected to while spreading the gospel. Although his litany of suffering seems unbearable by any measure, he amazingly referred to his hardships as “light and momentary troubles.” This is because he focused on the “eternal glory” that far outweighed any earthly disappointments he experienced (2 Corinthians 4:17; see also Romans 8:18). We can do this, he said, when we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but rather on what is unseen, our heavenly home (2 Corinthians 4:18).
It is faith that allows us to see the unseen. That’s why faith is such an indispensable element of the Christian life. Scripture teaches that we live by faith (2 Corinthians 5:7) and that without faith it is impossible to please God (Hebrews 11:6). We know that, as followers of Christ, we will experience disappointment and endure trials where our faith is indeed put to the test. And the apostle James tells us we should “consider it pure joy” when we face these trials, as this is how our faith strengthens and we mature as Christians (James 1:2-4).
Now, even though disappointments plague us until our final heartbeat, we can minimize them by understanding and applying the principle of reaping and sowing found throughout the Bible. “He who sows righteousness reaps a sure reward” (Proverbs 11:18), whereas “he who sows wickedness reaps trouble” (Proverbs 22:8). When we faithfully live in accordance with God’s perfect Word, we forgo bringing unnecessary troubles and disappointments into our lives in the first place. As the psalmist declared, “How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to your Word” (Psalm 119:9).
It also helps to remember the absolute sovereignty of God. Everything occurs either by His prescription or permission and in perfect accordance with His sovereign purposes and unfathomable ways (Romans 11:33). Prayer is the ultimate acknowledgment of God’s sovereignty. In the midst of our trial and disappointments, prayer gives us strength. It did for Moses (Exodus 32:11; Numbers 14:13; 20:6), David (Psalm 55:16-17), and Daniel (Daniel 6:10; 9:20-23). And before our Savior took on the sins of the world, He spent His final night in prayer (Matthew 27:36-44; John 17). Now He invites the “weary and burdened” to come to Him, and He will give us rest (Matthew 11:28).
Being a child of God means we are never alone in our trials (Hebrews 13:5). God gives us the strength and grace we need to endure any circumstance and to overcome any disappointment (Philippians 4:13; Psalm 68:35). His peace will guard our hearts when we look to Him (Philippians 4:6-7). As Maurice Roberts stated, “The degree of a Christian’s peace of mind depends upon his spiritual ability to interpose the thought of God between himself and his anxiety.” If we keep our mind on God, nothing can steal our peace.
HEARTBREAK : The dictionary defines heartbreak as “crushing grief, anguish, or distress.” In today’s world, the term brokenhearted usually describes someone who has suffered a failed relationship or loss of a loved one. A search of the internet makes it appear as though almost all heartbreak comes from divorce or being dropped by a lover. But a broken heart may be brought on by a myriad of causes such as disappointment in a child’s lifestyle, loss of possession, loss of job, etc. Whatever the cause, the pain of a broken heart can be enormous.
Worldly advice for handling the pain may include writing an angry letter and tearing it up, going on a shopping spree, getting a makeover, drinking wine, eating chocolate, taking medication, etc. Some would advocate the power of positive thinking. The most common “cure” is time. The world’s focus is on feelings, but God looks at the heart (1 Samuel 16:7). While the non-Christian may sense a waning in intensity of heartbreak, only a Christian can experience complete recovery because only the Christian has access to the power of the Spirit of God who alone “heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” (Psalm 147:3).
The events in Job’s life may be the earliest biblical record of heartbreak. In one day Job lost his children, almost all worldly possessions, his health, and his means of livelihood. What was Job’s response? “Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head and fell on the ground and worshiped. And he said, ‘Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD'” (Job 1:20-21). Job grieved. Yet, he worshiped God and remained faithful. Although he had doubts as to God’s goodness in these terrible events, through the trial he grew closer to God through God’s revelation of Himself (Job 42:1-5). Job learned what all believers can learn through heartbreak—God is faithful and good and trustworthy.
David, a man after God’s own heart, suffered many heartbreaking circumstances. Each time, he recovered and was an even stronger man of God. Psalm 34 gives an example of how David overcame heartbreak by calling on the Lord. Notice the first step: “I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears” (Psalm 34:4). David knew “the Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18). Finally, he expressed a confidence in the love of God that every believer should have: “Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all” (Psalm 34:19).
One might ask in a moment of despair, “He may have helped David, but does God care about me?” The answer is He absolutely does! “He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?” (Romans 8:32). What a comfort to know that God “will never leave you nor forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5). God is always near to comfort the believer. “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4). God, who cannot lie, has promised to go through our trials with us. “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you” (Isaiah 43:2).
God never failed one of His people when they cried out to Him, and He will not fail the heartbroken Christian who cries out to Him today. He may not always answer exactly in the way we would like, but He answers according to His perfect will and timing and, while we are waiting for the answer, His grace is sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9).
Finally, those who belong to Christ and are enduring heartbreak must know that God loves them and that His love is unconditional. Imagine the grief God the Father endured as He witnessed the crucifixion of His Son on the cross. What amazing love! That same God is there to comfort the brokenhearted and restore the joy of their salvation.
TRUSTING ONE ANOTHER : On the topic of trusting others, King David said, “It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man. It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in princes” (Psalm 118:8–9). David spoke from experience, having been betrayed many times by those close to him (see Psalm 41:9). Instead of becoming bitter or regarding all people as inherently untrustworthy and not worth his time, he learned and taught a simple truth: sinful people will fail us, but we can always trust in God. David’s son, King Solomon, learned that lesson well and added to it, saying that it’s better to trust God than to trust our own minds (Proverbs 3:5–6).
Even though others will fail us at times, and we ourselves are not always trustworthy, we can and should still trust people to varying degrees. Without trust, true relationship is impossible. It is precisely because we know that God will never fail us that we can trust others. Our ultimate security is in Him, so we are free to trust others and experience the joy it brings. Trusting others is almost inseparable from loving others. True intimacy can only be achieved through honesty and trust. It requires trust to bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2) and “spur one another on toward love and good deeds” (Hebrews 10:24). It takes trust to confess our sins to one another (James 5:16) and share about our needs (James 5:14; Romans 12:15). Trust is necessary in any number of human relationships, and especially for the healthy functioning of the family of Christ.
Christians should strive to be trustworthy. Jesus was clear that His followers should keep their word (Matthew 5:37). James repeated the command (James 5:12). Christians are called upon to be discreet and refrain from gossiping (Proverbs 16:28; 20:19; 1 Timothy 5:13; 2 Timothy 2:16). At the same time, Christians are called to speak up when appropriate and help bring about restoration from sin (Matthew 18:15–17; Galatians 6:1). Christians are to be speakers of truth, and to speak this truth with love (Ephesians 4:15; 1 Peter 3:15). We are to “do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth” (2 Timothy 2:15). Christians are also expected to care for the practical needs of others (James 2:14–17; 1 John 3:17–18; 4:20–21). All of these actions contribute to being trustworthy. Christians should be people that others can trust. Such trustworthiness is empowered by the Holy Spirit at work in the believer’s life (2 Corinthians 3:18; Philippians 1:6; Galatians 5:13–26).
Trusting others is not always natural or easy. We are wise to take time to get to know others and not heedlessly give them our complete trust. Jesus did this when He withdrew from the crowds at times (John 2:23–25; 6:15). But sometimes it is difficult to tell the difference between being wise about our trust and being overly self-protective out of past hurt or fear. If we find ourselves reluctant to trust anyone to any extent, we are wise to do some introspection and, if necessary, ask God to heal our wounded hearts.
The Bible gives advice about trusting others after we’ve been hurt. Trusting God is the first, most important step. When we know that, no matter what men do to us, God will always be there, faithful and true and trustworthy, it is easier to handle betrayal or disappointments. Psalm 118:6 says, “The Lord is on my side, I will not fear. What can man do to me?” Reading God’s Word with attention to the ways He describes His own faithfulness and trustworthiness will be helpful to us. Prayer is vital. Particularly if we feel like God has betrayed our trust by allowing us to be hurt, we need to be reminded of His truth and comforted by His love.
The second step after being hurt by trusting others is forgiveness. As Jesus told Peter, if a brother sins against you seventy-seven times a day and comes back asking for forgiveness, we should forgive (Matthew 18:21–22). The point is not that we should not forgive the seventy-eighth offense, but that we should be people who seek to continually forgive. If a person repeatedly betrays our trust unrepentantly, we do not have to continue to associate with him or to make ourselves vulnerable to him. Yet we also should not harbor bitterness or allow that person’s actions to impede our relationships with other people (Hebrews 12:14–15). If the person is truly repentant—even when it involves betrayal and exploited trust—we are to seek to fully forgive and even pursue restoration and a rebuilding of trust over time. As part of Jesus’ lesson on forgiveness, He told the parable of a servant who was forgiven a huge debt and then went out and immediately became judgmental and cruel with another servant who owed him a small debt. The heartless actions of the unmerciful servant should remind us of our need to forgive. We have been forgiven by God a much greater debt than anything other people owe to us (Matthew 18:23–35).
Finally, it bears repeating that, as we learn to trust others, we should continually strive to be trustworthy ourselves. This is good and godly. We should be a safe place for others (Proverbs 3:29) and keep confidences (Proverbs 11:13). We should be known for our honesty (Proverbs 12:22) and a willingness to suffer with a friend (Proverbs 17:17). Everyone goes through hard times, and we need our friendships even more when the sun is not shining. At times, we all let others down. But we should always strive to “walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love” (Ephesians 4:1–2).
DATING DURING OUR BREAKUP : The question of dating during the divorce process is difficult to answer for several reasons. For one thing, the concept of “dating” as we know it today is nowhere mentioned in the Bible. Most marriages in Bible times were arranged, and any contact between two prospective spouses was strictly monitored. In addition, no matter what view one takes on the issue of divorce, it is important to remember Malachi 2:16: “‘I hate divorce,’ says the LORD, the God of Israel” (NAS). According to the Bible, marriage is a lifetime commitment. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate” (Matthew 19:6). No decision to divorce should be made lightly.
There are three situations in which dating during the divorce process might occur. The first is the case of a spouse who has biblical grounds for divorce. That is, the innocent spouse has been abandoned by his/her unbelieving spouse or has been cheated on by an unrepentant adulterer. In either case, the innocent spouse is most likely in a state of emotional turmoil and vulnerability. Most people going through a divorce, even when it is not their fault and even when they have biblical reasons, are usually shattered by the circumstances and not in any frame of mind to be “dating.” People don’t usually make good decisions while “on the rebound.” For a still-hurting divorced person or someone in a painful divorce process to be dating is neither wise nor prudent. The abandoned spouse may indeed be lonely, but making clear-headed, godly relationship decisions in such a situation is difficult, if not impossible.
The second situation in which dating during the divorce process could occur is that of a person who divorces his/her spouse for non-biblical reasons. A divorce in this case, in the words of God, is due to “hardness of heart” (Mark 10:1–12). Such a divorce, therefore, is a spiritual failure and should prompt those involved to focus on the Lord and not on seeking to replace the one being divorced.
The third situation in which dating during the divorce process might occur is that of a person who causes a divorce, i.e., the “guilty” party in a divorce. All of the biblical allowances for remarriage after a divorce relate to the “innocent” spouse in a divorce with biblical grounds. There is no biblical allowance for remarriage for a spouse divorced for unbiblical reasons or for a spouse who caused a divorce, whether by adultery, abandonment, and/or other possible grounds. The Bible nowhere states that the “guilty” spouse in a divorce is allowed to remarry; therefore, he or she should not be dating.
Since the purpose of dating to find a spouse or to seek companionship with the opposite sex, biblically speaking, a married man or woman is not free to date, even if there is a pending divorce. Even the innocent victim of an unwanted divorce is still married until the marriage is legally or formally ended. Forging a dating relationship outside of marriage, even for those getting a divorce, gives the wrong appearance. The better choice is to abstain from any action that could endanger one spiritually or give the impression to others of a careless attitude toward marriage.
DID I MARRIED THE WRONG PERSON? : There are a few different ways to look at this question. To say that we married the “wrong” person might imply that there is a sole “right” person we are meant to marry. If we marry the “wrong” person, then we may fear we have messed up God’s plan for our lives. We might also be tempted to “correct” our error in ways that do not honor God. We can certainly make wrong choices in marriage and disobey God’s guidance in whom we decide to marry. However, taking the sovereignty of God into account, we cannot marry the “wrong” person. God has a plan for our lives and is able to redeem our wrong choices and ultimately work them together for good (Romans 8:28). Once we are married, we are expected to do everything we can to make that marriage honoring to the Lord. Whether a particular marriage partner is the “wrong” choice or not, the marriage is a covenantal relationship. God is able to transform even the worst of marriages into a relationship that brings Him glory.
Biblically, a Christian should be looking to marry another believer who shares a similar commitment to following the Lord Jesus. Marriage to an unbeliever is not an option for the believer (2 Corinthians 6:14). So, if a Christian marries a non-Christian, he or she has indeed married the wrong person by violating God’s will.
There are other ways to marry the wrong person. For example, marrying someone who is abusive, immature, selfish, or codependent is going to result in problems. Marrying someone who has untreated addictions or is living in unrepentant sin is likewise an unwise choice.
What are some reasons that people marry the wrong person? Some step into toxic situations in the mistaken belief that the power of their love alone will change the other person into someone who is not abusive, immature, selfish, or codependent. Some are blinded by the initial attraction to a mate and don’t realize the problems in their relationship. Others are manipulated by someone who seems to be one thing prior to marriage and then suddenly changes course. Other cases involve couples who simply aren’t ready for marriage. They underestimate the sacrifice required to live with another person. No doubt the reasons in each case of marrying the wrong person vary and are unique to the couple.
Culture also plays a role in influencing people to marry the wrong person. Many societies have portrayed marriage as a temporary arrangement that can be adapted or forsaken at will. Since exiting a marriage is not a big deal in some cultures, neither is entering it. All too many people say their vows without a real commitment to their spouse or to God. In many places in the world, a fantasy is promoted that marriage should meet all our needs—the emphasis being on meeting one’s own needs, not the needs of one’s spouse. Conventional wisdom says that, when a couple’s marriage is tested or when one spouse feels unmet needs, they should just get a divorce—and laws in many places make divorce quite easy. Rather than work out their problems, many struggling couples conclude they don’t love each other anymore and end the marriage.
Once a person realizes that he or she has married the wrong person, what then? First, if a believer has willfully disobeyed God’s instructions in 2 Corinthians 6:14, confession of sin to God is necessary. Then the forgiven sinner should strive to make the best of the situation and bring healing to the relationship (see 1 Corinthians 7:12–14; Ephesians 5:21–33). If the situation presents a danger to either spouse or to the children involved, then separation is in order. Seeking godly counsel from a pastor or marriage counselor is important, too. While the Bible allows for divorce in specific circumstances, divorce should never be the first option. With God nothing is impossible (Luke 1:37), and He can bring beauty out of ashes (Isaiah 61:3). A Christian who made a wrong choice in choosing a marriage partner may find that God desires to turn a bad marriage into a good one (see 1 Peter 3:1–2). The power of God can transform the “wrong” person into the “right” one.
How can a person prevent getting married to the wrong person? Benjamin Franklin’s oft-quoted quip, “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards,” is good advice (Poor Richard’s Almanac, June 1738), but even more helpful is to seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness (Matthew 6:33). Some people seek first a spouse, and righteousness falls by the wayside. The single person should concentrate on becoming the individual God wants him or her to be and commit to dating only those who are also strong, growing Christians. To avoid mistakes, it’s necessary to heed the Word (Luke 11:28), seek godly counsel, pray for wisdom (James 1:5), and be honest with God and others.